I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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