It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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