I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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