my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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