i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm too high and old for this...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
