I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize