You're my little dorito
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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