The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
