I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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