I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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