if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
