There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize