im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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