just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
