Whod you bang
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
