I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
