That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
