i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
what day is it and did you see me today?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
