i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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