i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
