In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize