Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
