No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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