ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
