My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
