Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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