Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
