I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
