Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
