alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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