Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
