How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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