Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
40s are totally the cure
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
