Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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