I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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