Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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