I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
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