if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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