i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
