MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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