Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
