Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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