Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
