I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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