I accidentally burped into my bong.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
