I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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