This is not my ceiling
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Text me some of your sweat
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