I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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