I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
we should paint friendship bongs
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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