apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
