Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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