I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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