If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
