Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
