My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
