How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
