Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
