based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
