Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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