oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
we're making bets on your personal life
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
